Linda C. Huskyandstarch@aol.com

& Kathy Kellenberger KKellen748@aol.com 

   "Hey Starsk, you okay?"

   I met my partner halfway between the bathroom and the kitchen. He was looking more pale this morning than usual, if that was possible. I didn't need to question why. I wanted him to eat something before we left to go to the courthouse. My heart ached for him as he came walking out of the bathroom, ever so slowly, one arm around his stomach, the other on his chest, trying to steady himself at the same time. I could see he was already in a considerable amount of pain. It was going to be a long day.

   "C'mon partner, let's get some food into you."

   He let me help settle him into the kitchen chair. He relied on me for just about everything these days, and I was more than happy to do anything I could for my friend. Every movement seemed to hurt him. Normally right after he woke up each day I had his first dose of pain medication waiting for him. Today had to be different, it was the first day of Gunther's trial. The State Attorney's office had told Starsky that it would be "in the best interest of the State" that he not appear to be under the influence of drugs…meaning pain killers. This was going to mean that my partner would be in various degrees of pain throughout the entire day, and we would be in court for hours. How was he going to make it?

   Starsky was still on some pretty heavy medicine as his pain was excruciating at times…too much of the time. Sometimes even the medication was not strong enough, but I was always there to rub his back, chest or abdomen, which seemed to have a calming affect on him. If that didn't work, I tried warm compresses or if he was strong enough a warm bath...anything...I'd do anything for my partner whenever I could. Today I would not be able to help him. Oh, I'd be there for him, but so would the pain, and I couldn't do anything about that until I brought him home later tonight. I didn't know how he would manage without the pills and didn't know how I was going to be able to watch him in that kind of agony.

   I made scrambled eggs, Starsky's favorite, along with some toast and orange juice. He toyed with his plate of food and after a couple of minutes he pushed the plate away, bowing his head.

   "I'm sorry Hutch, I just don't feel like eating. My stomach is kinda upset this morning. I think I'd probably get sick if I ate this. I'm sorry." He attempted a smile that was cut off by a spasm of pain, turning that smile upside down. He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes to wait it out.

   I put my hand on his shoulder and rubbed it slightly. "Hey buddy, is the pain real bad?" Boy, that was a stupid question Hutchinson, of course it was bad.

   "I can handle it Hutch…I have to."

   He tried for another smile but didn't quite make it this time either.

   "Yeah, I think you can handle it too, but it's so damn unfair that you have to. Buddy, please try to eat something, it's gonna be a long day, maybe some toast? Will you try for me?"

   He slowly straightened up in the chair. I put jelly on two slices of toast and sat them on his plate along with a glass of orange juice. I think the only reason he ate anything at all was because I asked him too. He did manage to get down the toast and drink the juice.

   I thought he would get sick when I told him it was time to go, but he just looked me in the eyes and nodded. I was so proud of my partner.

********

   Because this case was such high profile, there was a tremendous amount of media coverage especially on the first day of the trial, and a police line had to be formed to clear a path for us as we ascended the steps of the courthouse.

   I had to stop every few steps to let Starsky catch his breath. His damaged lung was far from healed and any exertion that he put on it was a terrible strain. It caused him a tremendous amount of pain.

   I kept my one arm around his waist and the other under his arm, slowing my pace down to that of Starsky's. I could tell that every step for him was an agonizing effort on his part. His face was a mask of pain but one of determination. My heart went out to my partner and best friend. He was being so courageous and so brave.

   The fingers of his hand resting on mine were holding onto me for dear life. We finally made it up the steps of the courthouse and into the courtroom. Captain Dobey was already there and seated, watching for us. He rose to meet us when we arrived. He looked at Starsky and then over at me, as worried about my partner as I was.

   Starsky looked terrible, and you could tell he was in pain. I couldn't give him a damn thing for it. It hurt me terribly not to be able to take Starsky's pain from him, but I knew he would have to endure until this day in court was over. I silently prayed that he'd be able to make it.

   With the Captain on one side of Starsky and me on the other, we made our way to our seats and sat down. I looked over at my partner.

   "Hey Buddy, are you ok? Starsk?"

   He tried to reassure me with a smile but he was unsuccessful. Each breath he took was still labored.

   "I'm all right, Hutch...it's ok."

   He was about to say something else to me when his eyes locked with someone else's on the other side of the room. His whole body tensed and trembled, the fingers resting on the sleeve of my jacket dug into my arm.

   I instinctively put my arm around his shoulders. I followed his path of vision until my eyes locked onto those of James Gunther. In that instant all of the hate, all of the rage I had inside came boiling to the surface. I was looking at the man who almost took my partner away from me and who had cost him so much pain. I thought of how Gunther took away my partner's vitality, his spirit… I wanted to choke the life out of him.

   Gunther's eyes locked with mine...he looked at me with what can only be described as contempt and then his gaze went back to Starsky. The bastard smiled at him, the most charming and venomous smile...I felt like I was looking into the eyes of the Devil.

   I felt Starsky's entire body shake under the arm that was around his shoulders. Why hadn't I thought of this before now.....damn I can be so stupid at times. This was the first time that my partner had been face to face in the same room with the man who was responsible for nearly having him killed.

   Starsky was getting more pale by the second. I moved closer to my friend and kept a protective arm around his trembling shoulders, pulling him nearer to me. He had a death grip on my arm.

   Gunther had visibly shaken him up and when I looked at the creep again he winked at me and smiled the "Devil's smile."

   I became unglued. I started to get up out of my seat to choke the life out of this evil bastard who had almost cost me my partner's life, but the authoritative voice of Captain Dobey stopped me.

   "Hutch, don't do it… sit down son. We've come this far, let's not do anything we shouldn't. We need to do this the right way and let the State of California put him away for good, then he'll never be able to hurt anyone again. He'll get what's coming to him."

   He looked over at Starsky and I could tell how much all this had hurt him too, he really cared about us, and he loved Starsky too. I nodded my head in agreement.

   "Yea, you're right...but it's just...I'd like to..."

   I knew I had to get my anger under control. I sat back in my seat, knowing he was right. The best that I could hope for was that the State had an airtight case and we would be able to put James Gunther way for the rest of his natural life.

   As for my part in all this, I had gone over every piece of homework, dotted all the I's, crossed all the T's. I had gone over everything piece of evidence that I had found on Gunther and Gunther Industries, some of it was from before Starsky had been shot. I went over all of it, over and over and then over it all again. I could not leave anything to chance. There could be no loopholes that he could possibly slip through....because if he did, he would not leave this courtroom alive, I would see to that. The hell with the damn consequences. He hurt my friend and made him suffer, possibly for the rest of his life. I was brought back to the here and now as the Judge entered the courtroom.

   "All Rise."

********

   "Court is now in session."

   James Gunther's attorney was approaching the jury with his opening arguments. The morning was taken up by his attorney in a effort to show the jury the virtues of his client, just how much he had contributed to this city, and the injustices he was subjected to by the BCPD. What bothered me the most about all this garbage was the fact that Starsky had to sit through all of this. He seemed to be handling all of this really well until the Defense Attorney specifically named Starsky and myself as two officers of the law who had been continually and relentlessly harassing his client. According to him we were trying to discredit his client, a pillar of society, and that his client had in no way ever been involved in drug trafficking, prostitution or any illegal import or export business. He went on and on, making the corrupt old bastard sound like a saint. It about turned my stomach to have to sit and listen to this and if Starsky had been well enough he would never had sat still for it. But for now my partner sat quietly beside me shaking his head, folding and unfolding some tissues he had in his hands. I felt awful for him. His face was flushed and I knew he was in pain. He was the one whose body had been nearly torn in two as a direct result of the contract that had been put out on us by Gunther. His attorney was making Gunther out to be the victim. Starsky leaned in closer to me and in a hushed voice that only I could hear and said.

   "Man I don't believe this. Is he trying to make the jury believe that Gunther had nothing at all to do with this ?" He ran one hand over his chest and the other one over his stomach. "How do they think this happened to me? Hutch, sometimes I wish you had killed him...I mean if he had just resisted arrest or something....you could have…"

   I reached over and laid my hand over his two hands that were now tearing the tissues to shreds.

   "Take it easy buddy, take it easy. No one is gonna let that bastard off. He won't get away with what he did to you, I promise you that… I won't let it happen."

   Starsky looked up at me. He knew that I had just made him a promise, one that I would keep. If the State of California could not put James Gunther away for the rest of his life, I would take him out.

********

   It was not an easy morning. I felt so helpless knowing I could not ease Starsky's pain at all and he was so nervous. A couple times I looked next to me to see my partner sweating and trying to regulate his breathing to calm his anxiety and pain. He was trying so hard. I feared he might pass out and was so thankful when the judge let us out for lunch.

   "Recess, until 2pm."

   "Hey partner, we've got two hours, how about we get ourselves a little lunch?"

   "Yeah, all right, but Hutch not anywhere around here ok? I don't want to run into any of those reporters. I don't want to have to talk to them."

   I understood where my partner was coming from, he just wanted to be left alone.

   "I tell you what Starsk, how about we drive over to 'Danny's Deli Delights' and get ourselves a couple of sandwiches? We can eat them in the park, sit in the car and watch the ducks, maybe even buy them a sandwich too. You always like to feed them, how's that sound?"

   "Yea, I think that would be nice, but I really need to go first."

   "Where?…Oh, you mean to the Men's room...yeah sure. We'll head there first."

   I could see Starsky was having difficulty getting up from his seat in the courtroom, he was stiff from sitting so long and most likely in quite a bit of pain. He tried to get up from his seat but a spasm hit him hard. He tried to hide the pain from me, but was not able. I saw his eyes go closed and heard him moan.

   "Oh, God Hutch, that hurt...damn it hurts."

   I waited for him to try to get up again…he so wanted his independence back. I couldn't stand seeing him struggle and this time I put both of my arms under his shoulders and lifted him out of the seat. With him holding onto my arms he managed to stand up, although it still took him a few minutes to straighten up all the way. He had his eyes squeezed shut and I knew he was trying to fight off the pain tearing away at his insides. God, how I wished I could give him one his "Magic Pills" to take some of this pain away. He was not allowed to take aspirin because of the blood thinner's he was taking, and the doctor explained how important the blood thinner's were, so he was left with nothing to even dull the pain.

   "You, ok Starsk?"

   He slowly opened his eyes and looked into mine.

   "It's as good as it gets, Blondie." He smiled at me and shook his head. "I think I can make it ...but remember that shoulder you said I could always lean on? I sure could use it now."

   The anguish in his eyes spoke volumes to me. Just how much he needed me, not just physically but emotionally. We slowly made our way to the Men's room and my partner did use my shoulder to lean on. I was glad to be there for him. We both used the facilities. I washed my hands, and turned to Starsky to see if he needed any help. He had a funny look on his face and he was holding onto the basin with both hands. He started making choking sounds and I knew he was going to be sick. I quickly stood behind him, holding him and rubbing his back, as he threw up in the sink. There was so little I could do but hang on to him until his stomach had emptied all of its contents.

   "Hey, buddy, try to take it easy now, you feeling any better?"

   I knew the heaving only caused him more pain. I handed him a wet paper towel to wipe his face, steadying him with my other hand. I didn't want to let go of him. He was trembling from his recent bout of nausea and appeared too shaky to stand on his own. He wiped his face with the towel and leaned against me for a minute or so to try to get himself together. He slowly straightened up, shaking his head back and forth. I could feel his fear and see his frustration.

   "Oh, God, Hutch...I just don't know if I can go through with this. I'm trying not to let it get to me but look at me, I'm a mess, a pathetic mess."

   "Aw Babe, you're not a mess and you can do this. I'm going to be with you every step of the way, you know that." I wiped at his tears that were beginning to fall. "Most people wouldn't have the courage to do what you are doing and to go through what you already have. I'm so proud of you, partner. Think you can eat something now? There is still plenty of time."

   "I don't know Hutch, but I'll try and I like the idea of eating in the park. You know, I haven't seen the ducks since I got shot. Do you think there might be a Mama duck with babies this time of the year?"

   "Oh Starsk, I don't know but there's one way to find out. Lets go get some lunch buddy."

   It did my heart an immeasurable amount of good to know that Gunther's bullets hadn't destroyed the little boy in my partner. I silently thanked God for that.

********

   Starsky and I stopped by Danny's Deli Delights and bought three sandwiches and two drinks to go. We drove to the park and I pulled the car as close as I could to the duck pond where the birds always seemed to congregate.

   Before Starsky was shot we would have parked and then walked to the edge of the water where the ducks were. There we would sit down on the grass Indian style and I would just enjoy watching my partner tearing off pieces of bread that he had bought from the bread store. He loved feeding the ducks. Such a simple thing as this made his eye's light up, and for that moment in time all the cares of the world, all of the dark and ugly aspects of our jobs would fade away, if only for a few minutes out of the day. Dear, God, that seemed like a lifetime ago… had it really been that long? Would those simple pleasures ever be ours again? I silently prayed that they would.

   Starsky would lose himself, be a kid of ten again, how I wished I could do the same, it always seemed to revitalize him and no matter how rotten the job seemed at the time, these times helped make the world a little brighter once again. It always did wonders for my partner, he would laugh and smile and relax again. When I saw Starsky like this my world was brighter too.

********

   I looked over at Starsky today, now too weak to even walk the short distance to the edge of the pond, not even able to stand up for more than a few minutes at a time without help. The best we could do was sit in the car and watch the birds from here. I walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened up the door so he could get a good view of the duck pond. I sat on the ground in front of the open car door when I felt Starsky's hand on my shoulder.

   "Hey Hutch, aren't they pretty...here, take this sandwich and tear it into little pieces for them. Make sure you make the pieces little so they can all have some, ok?"

   I looked up at my partner. His eyes were lit up like a little boy. I had been right in coming to the park for lunch, this was acting like medicine for him, helping him forget about the trial for a while and maybe, just maybe relaxing like this would make the pain he was in ease off a bit. Anything was worth a try. He shoved the extra sandwich at me.

   "Okay… okay…buddy, I'm doing it."

   I started tearing the bread into pieces but felt sad. I knew how Starsky loved to feed the little birds he loved so much.

   "But buddy, you like to feed them."

   "Hutch I can't, it hurts too much to move around like that."

   He gave me one of his lop-sided grins. Funny how sad it looked today. I then realized he didn't have the strength to lift his arms to throw the bread to the ducks, it would hurt him too damn much.

   "Aw Starsk."

   Damn, I wish... God how I hated James Gunther right now. Once again he had won, taking something away from Starsky, such a simple pleasure as feeding the ducks.

   "It's ok Hutch, let's just enjoy the moment...Hey Blondie, the ducks are waiting…Hutch?"

   "Ok Starsk." I began to throw the crumbs out to the ducks.

   "Hey Hutch, look over there!"

   There was excitement and delight in my partner's voice, something rare these days, but it certainly sounded good to me. I looked in the direction he was looking.

   "Look, there, see...there's a mama duck and look at all the babies!"

   "They're ducklings, Starsk."

   Starsky counted up to twelve and looked over at me.

   "How does she do it, I mean keep track of all of them?"

   I laughed out loud, damn it felt good to laugh again.

   "I wouldn't know partner."

   For a few brief, precious moments the world belonged to Starsky and

   me and a mama duck and her babies.

********

   He drank his soda but barely touched his sandwich. He knew we had to go back in a few minutes to court. Knowing he wouldn't be able to eat the sandwich, I stopped at a mini market and bought him a protein shake. It wasn't much but at least it had vitamins and minerals, and he needed some nourishment.

   Starsky took the drink and finished it off. He knew better than to object to drinking it. At least he would have something in his stomach. I was afraid he would really need it. These days I tried anything at all to get some nourishment into him. Starsky handed me the empty can.

   "Thanks partner, I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, but I don't think that I would have been able to eat the sandwich."

   "I know Starsk, I know."

   I reached over to pat his shoulder.

********

   We returned to our seats in the courtroom, and once again I witnessed my partner turning more pale by the minute. He couldn't help but see Gunther from where we were sitting and it really un-nerved him. I put my arm around his shoulders and didn't give a damn if everyone in the courtroom saw me, my friend needed me, and I needed my friend more than he could ever know.

   The court was reconvened and the District Attorney read the charges to the jury.

   "The State of California VS James M. Gunther."

   The charges were read:

   "Attempted murder of two police officers. Premeditated murder in the 1st degree. Maiming of one police officer with the intent to kill. Conspiracy to commit murder and murder for hire."

   As the charges were being read I watched Starsky closely. His hands were trembling and the expressions on his face told me he was rapidly losing his ability to cope with these proceedings any more today. He was exhausted, and he was in pain. I placed my free hand over his and squeezed it.

   I'm here buddy, I'm here

   He looked over at me and attempted a smile that wasn't quite successful. God, how I wanted to get him out of here and get him some relief from the pain. The look on his face spoke volumes to me, the pain was bad and I could tell he was feeling sick. He needed to be at home, not in some damn courtroom facing the man who nearly ended his life. He needed the pain medication he had been forced to go all day without. He was reaching the limit on what he could tolerate.

   Thankfully the court was recessed until tomorrow morning. I helped Starsky out of his seat, he was shaky, and with one arm around his waist and the other under his arm, we left the court room to go home. I was worried about him, he wasn't well enough for this, but there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. We walked out onto the courthouse steps and into the bright sunshine.

********

   We left the courthouse after the first day's trial proceedings and... Well, what happened next was my fault, I should have known better. Although there was a police line outside the courthouse, meant to keep the news cameras and reporters at bay, a few of the more adventurous ones slid under the ropes and between the guards.

   Before I knew it they were practically on top of Starsky and me. I had one arm around his waist and my other one firmly under his elbow. His left hand was clinging to mine, resting on my arm , with his other hand hanging onto me tightly. Clearly these reporters were unnerving him. I could feel him tense up even more than he already had been. My friend was a bundle of nerves. He was still so weak and in so much agony. Oh, he tried to be strong and might have fooled some, but I know my partner, when he has pain I have pain. I was hurting for my friend now.

   A microphone and video camera was rudely shoved right in his face by one of the rogue reporters.

   I let go of him in an attempt to push the reporter away from him. Damn reporters!

   "Get that damn camera away from him NOW!"

   I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, I was seething with rage. No one was going to hurt my partner ever again. He had suffered enough.

   At the same time another reporter reached toward Starsky calling his name and tugging on his jacket sleeve, spinning him around to face his camera. This action took both of us by surprise.

   Starsky was backing away from the offending camera when he lost his balance. I grabbed for him but it was too late...he fell to the ground in a heap. This brought over more and more reporters and cameras.

   "Oh, God, Starsk, Starsky?"

   I was frantic. He was curling up on the ground almost in a fetal position, a low moan escaping him. He had obviously hurt himself in the fall. He had one arm around his middle and the other was groping for mine. I found his and held it.

   "Please make them go away Hutch, I can't do this, I can't do this. Please make them go."

   He was almost in tears now, trying to catch his breath. The color was draining from his already pale face and he was trembling.

   I helped him into a sitting position on the bottom steps of the courthouse to give him a little time to calm down and to catch his breath…he was wheezing by now.

   "Oh, Hutch…I pulled something, my stomach is killing me. Please, just get me out of here."

   He pleaded with me to take him home. He wanted to go home. His breaths were now short and shallow, attempting to calm the sharp pain in his stomach.

   "And I think I pulled something in my side. It hurts…damn it hurts…and I feel sick Hutch, I want to go home, please take me home."

   I helped my partner to his feet. He was now in tears. I was not sure if it was from the pain, the trauma of the courtroom, Gunther, the reporters or a combination of them all. He was not ready for this, but we had no choice. Gunther needed to be put away and unfortunately both my and Starsky's testimony was needed.

   Captain Dobey had bullied his way through the crowd, seeing what had just happened. He helped me lift Starsky to his feet and to steady him.

   Then I saw him. I saw the reporter that caused Starsky to fall.

   "Cap'n, stay with him. Watch him for a minute."

   I tore through the crowd in the direction that I had last seen the reporter.

   "Hey You! Yea, you, I'm talking to you! You want to pick on someone who 'can' fight back? Pick on me, you bastard! I don't go down so easily!"

   Out of the corner of my eyes I saw the two uniforms quickly making their way through the crowd toward us. They had seen Starsky fall, and they both knew me. They knew that I would not let anyone get away with hurting Starsky, however unintentional it had been. Both of them knew me well enough to know just how much I loved my partner and that I was fully capable of ripping this man's head off right here on the steps of the courthouse.

   "Come on you bastard! You want a story, I'll give you one!"

   I hauled off and slugged the jerk as hard as I could, then I picked him up from where he had landed on the ground, by his jacket collar and threw him as hard as I could against the steps of the courthouse.

   "Don't you ever go near my partner again, do you hear me!"

   The reporter scrambled to get away from me, retrieving his camera and other equipment which was scattered on the ground.

   I looked up to see the faces, cameras and mikes of the rest of the reporters who were taking in the scene.

   "Now, you got your story!"

   I turned around and headed back to my partner, on the way trying to calm my boiling temper before I reached Starsky.

   Captain Dobey brought the car around for us and had Starsky settled into the front passenger seat of the car. He was crouching down in front of him, talking to him quietly. Our superior had become more like a protective father to the both of us since Gunther's attack. He was so gentle with Starsky, and he let me lean on his shoulder more than once. Our captain was trying his best to block the view of the courthouse and the reporters from Starsky.

   Starsky's head was resting against the seats head rest and his eyes were closed. He looked flushed and so sick. I knew he was scared and in pain. I just wanted to get him home and give him one of his painkillers…calm him down…rub his back…anything. It tore me apart each time Starsky winced in pain, got sick or was scared. I'd be there for my best friend for the rest of his life, and as long as I had breath he would never be alone or want for anything. I had to shift gears for my partner, he needed me here and now, and no one else would do.

   "Thanks Captain." I said as he got up from his position in front of Starsky and I kneeled down in front of my partner. When Starsky heard my voice he opened his eyes. He looked like a little boy who just fell off of his bike.

   "Hutch, I don't know if I can do this, I just don't know if I can."

   He reached for my hand and I took it holding it in both of mine.

   "You just take it easy partner, I'm going to get you out of here right now, just hang on a few more minutes and we'll be home."

   He squeezed my hands a little more and a stray tear or two trickled down his face. I brushed it away. Starsky's wounds, although painful, may have been on the mend, but his emotions were still very fragile. I wondered if my partner would ever feel secure again.

   "Please don't leave me Hutch, please just don't leave me alone, I can't do this by myself."

   "It's okay buddy, I'm not gonna leave you. I'll never leave you Starsk. Never."

   I took Starsky into my arms and held him close. I didn't care who was watching, my friend needed me…and I needed him. In this brief moment in time I vowed that my friend would never be alone again...we were going to face tomorrow together and all the tomorrow's after that.

   I took my friend home.

********

   I drove away from the courthouse with only one thing on my mind, my partner. He was hurting. I wanted to get him home as soon as possible, away from the relentless reporters and the prying eyes of the curiosity seekers who had gathered in front of the courthouse. He needed relief from the pain he'd been in all day long. It had unnerved me something awful that he had taken that fall because of some news hungry reporter. He could have really been hurt badly today. Looking over at my partner sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to me I began to wonder just how Starsky was going to hold up to the grueling schedule that this trial was bound to have. The longer Gunther's lawyers managed to drag the trial out, the more things could go wrong. They weren't stupid. They knew Starsky was in no condition to be in that courtroom.

   "Hey, Buddy, we'll be home in a few minutes, you ok? Starsk?"

   He didn't even open his eyes just nodded his head and let it fall heavily back against the headrest, totally exhausted. He didn't have the energy to talk right now, but he reached his hand across the seat and sought out mine. I drove with one hand on the steering wheel and the other interlaced with Starsky's. He needed some kind of contact with me, I was his safety zone, his protector and healer. Damn you Gunther! I had become his barrier against the outside world and I would continue to safeguard my friend with all that was in me. As we pulled up into the driveway at home I silently thanked God that at least for now anyway, the reporters and thrill seekers hadn't come out to the house. For now it was still our sanctuary away from the relentless prying, curious eyes.

   "Hey partner, we're home. Let me help you, Buddy."

   Starsky's eyes were barely open by now. When he heard my voice he took the hand I offered him and ever so slowly eased himself up to get out of the car. He was in pain now, as he had been all day long, but I could see that it had intensified since he had fallen outside of the courthouse.

   "Oh God…it hurts. Hutch...my insides feel like they're gonna tear apart. Isn't it ever gonna get better? I don't think I can get used to living like this."

   His eyes were tearing and pleading with me to get him some relief.

   "Aw Starsk, you just take it real slow and easy, I want you to lean on me buddy."

   I put one arm around his waist and the other under his arm as we made our way inside. I honestly didn't think he could have walked the short distance from the driveway to the house on his own. If he had appeared any worse off, I would have had to carry him in from the car. It would not be the first time. Sometimes he just couldn't make it. He was still so weak, so fragile and the pain had no mercy on my friend.

   "Come on partner, let's get you settled."

   I started for his bedroom but he stopped me. He was trying to maintain some dignity and wanted to show me that he had some strength.

   "No, Hutch, I want to lay down on the couch for now, ok?"

   "I know this sounds crazy but I don't want to be alone. I need to be wherever you are, ok? Blondie, I need you with me, please? I don't mean to lean on you so heavily. I just really need you Hutch. I'm scared."

   "Aw Starsk, you don't ever have to ask me to stay with you. I'm never leaving. Just tell me what you need buddy. I'm here. You're gonna get tired of these words, but I promise you'll never be alone. We're in this together Starsk. I just wish I could take some of your pain for you. Hell, I wish I could take all of it."

   "Hutch…I'd never want you to have pain like this. I can take it."

   He gave me a very tired smile that was cut short by the pain that was threatening to take over his body. I got him to the couch.

   "One sec, Buddy."

   I went to the counter and spilled out two of his pain pills and got a cold root beer from the frig. I put the pills in his mouth and helped him to steady the root beer. His hands were visibly shaking. He arched his back in a effort to get away from the pain. God, it hurt seeing him like this.

   "Hang on buddy, we need to get you more comfortable. Let me help ya okay?"

   I got him out of his jacket, got his belt off and stooped down to untie his shoes. I couldn't help but smile at the shoes…only my partner would go to court in a dress suit and tie, wearing Adidas.

   "Starsk, lay back now and close your eyes and let the pills work their magic."

   With a quilt that I kept folded in a nearby chair I covered him up.

   "Thanks, Blondie, I feel a little better already."

   "Try to relax, you'll feel a lot better after you get some sleep."

   His eyes opened up wide to look at me.

   "Hutch?"

   "It's okay Starsk, I'm not going any further than the other room. I'll stay close…not gonna let you out of my sight."

   "Kay", is all he managed and his eyes closed.

   I sat on the edge of the couch and stroked his hair gently, smoothing out some of the unruly curls back from his forehead. This always seemed to calm him. It calmed me. God, how I needed my partner. I never told him enough, how much I loved him before the shooting. I'd make sure he always knew just how much he meant to me now. Neither of us took anything for granted anymore. We couldn't.

   It wasn't long before he was fast asleep. Looking down at my best friend, so pale, so vulnerable, I wondered if he would be able to stand up to the pressures of the trial and whatever Gunther's lawyers would throw at him. I just didn't know. The last thing that I did before starting dinner was to turn the ringer off on the phone. Even the ringing of the phone these days was enough to unnerve him. Right now I felt like the world was terribly unfair to my best friend and I was determined to do my best to even up the odds some.

********

   Starsky woke a couple of hours later to the smell of dinner. I thought this was a good sign. He needed to eat. Just the thought of food turned his stomach and he didn't, well he couldn't eat since the few morsels he ate at breakfast....and that was for me. He was still so thin. My strong partner was reduced to skin and bone. God...it tore me apart to see him like this. His arms were so thin that his watch just dangled loosely sometimes falling over his hand. He had even asked me to wear the rings that he always wore on his little finger, the ones that had been his dad's, he was so afraid that they would slip off his finger and he would lose them. He had so little left of his father. The rings meant a lot to him. He didn't want to lose them. He had lost so much already. Losing his father's rings could be the straw that broke what little spirit Starsky had left. They were irreplaceable. Just like my partner was to me. I would rejoice in the day I could give them back to Starsky to wear, because then it would be a sign that my partner was well again.

   His clothing just hung from him. I got him a new belt just to keep his pants in place. His sunken eyes and pale appearance had me very worried. This was only the beginning of the trial. I knew the worst was yet to come. My partner had his life , but in reality Gunther had won. He took Starsky's will, his spark and health away from him, maybe forever, In effect Gunther had killed a large part of both of us.

   I could only pray that someday I'd have my best friend back. whole, healthy and vibrant again. God, is that too much to ask? He never hurt anyone. He's lost so much in his short time here on earth...and he tries so damn hard. Oh, God, please have mercy on him. How much is one man supposed to endure? Hasn't he been given enough?

   "Starsk, you awake?"

   He just laid on the couch staring into space. I couldn't remember the last time I saw him smile. I knew some of that was from the strong pain medication, but I knew my partner too well. He was deep in thought. He did that a lot these days. Where do you go Starsk? Where are you now? I wish I could be there to help you.

   "Hey buddy, I made some soup, think you can try to get some down?"

   "What? What's that Hutch?"

   I took the soup over to the coffee table. There was no way he was going to make it to the kitchen table. He looked awful. Instinctively I felt his forehead for a fever. He was warm......maybe he had a slight one.

   "You need to try and eat something buddy, you've hardly eaten all day. You need your strength. Doc's still worried about all of the weight you lost. I promised him I would fatten you up… can't break my promise."

   "I don't know Hutch. Thanks, but I don't know if I could keep it down. I'm sorry."

   He laid his head back down onto the pillow, closing his eyes. He was just too weak. It's okay Starsk, you have nothing to be sorry about, I'll heat it up for you later.

   "Lets just get you to bed for now."

   I carried my friend into the bedroom laying him down on the bed. He moaned a bit but didn't wake up, even when I got him out of his clothing and into his pajamas. He was used to the routine by now and accepted it. I couldn't wait for the day when he would argue with me again, joke with me again. Would that day ever come? I sat on the side of his bed watching him sleep. Even sleep did not bring rest though. His body twitched and he moaned, sometimes crying in his sleep. The nightmares had increased even more since the beginning of the trial. God, if only I could trade places with him. He needed a break so bad. I took my place on the cot I had moved into the bedroom alongside Starsky's bed and closed my eyes, not realizing I too was crying as I dozed off.

   "Hutch!!!"

   "Starsk!" I was quickly at my partner's side bringing him out of another nightmare.

   "It's okay buddy, I'm here."

   Starsky fell asleep, trembling in my arms, the way he did most nights since I brought him home from the hospital. He was so scared. He hated being so vulnerable. My once strong partner was like a frightened, sick child. He tried to be strong…he really tried but the pain and the fear took what little strength he had from him, time after time.

   Only I could seem to calm him. Even in the hospital I could always calm him down better then any of the nurses. I thanked God I was able to be there for him. It had been a rough day...one of the hardest since the shooting. In the hospital he had slept most of the time because of the strong pain medicine he was given on a routine basis. Today he went without. The doctor had instructed me to give him his pain medicine before the pain got too bad...said it wouldn't be as effective if the pain went beyond a certain level. He was way beyond that level now. What choice did he have today? None. He had no choice. Once again, Gunther was in charge. Damn him!!!!

   I didn't sleep much that night. Neither did Starsky. He woke around two am, hurting and sick, so sick. I grabbed the basin we took home from the hospital and held him as he heaved over and over again. How in God's name was he going to be able to tolerate the demands of this trial? I was having a hard time with it. I knew my partner though, he would endure. Sometimes I think he was doing it more for me than for himself. I gave him one half of his dose of medicine for the pain and nausea. We had six hours before we needed to be back in the courtroom. The medicine was sure to have worn off by then and I just couldn't bear to see Starsky in any more pain. We might have gotten three, maybe four hours of sleep that night.

********

   The first few weeks of the court proceedings were pretty much routine procedure. The DA had warned us that he would probably put Starsky on the stand today, first thing in the morning. He wanted the jury to see firsthand just how badly Starsky had been hurt and the devastating effects that the shooting had on him. In other words, he had to let the jury see Starsky in person.

   Even though DA Harrison had come over to the house to discuss with Starsky and me what to expect when he called Starsky as a witness tomorrow for the State, talking about it between the three of us could in no way come close to what it would be like for Starsky to have to go through this on the witness stand.

   After the DA left that evening I sat down with my partner on the couch. Starsky had been so reserved through the entire visit. He had said little or nothing at all in response to the DA asking him if he understood what would be happening tomorrow in court.

   "Starsk, hey Buddy this will all be over and done with this time tomorrow, just think about that. All we have to do is get you through this one day in court. Starsk?"

   He slowly shook his head and looked up at me.

   "Hutch, why do I have to do this? Why can't they just show some pictures or something? I...I feel like I have to be put on display for all the world to see... 'Look, that's what's left of the poor dumb cop that survived.' I don't want everyone looking at me like that. I don't want their sympathy. God, I just want to be left alone!"

   He was so distraught over this that it nearly broke my heart.

   "Aw, Starsk, they won't be looking at...to use your words... "some poor dumb cop." They'll see you for what you are, a survivor. They'll see the bravest and most courageous man I know and the best damn cop that Metro has ever seen, present and future."

   "I hate it Hutch."

   "I know Buddy, I know and if there was any other way at all that I could keep you out of this you know that I would...I'm so sorry Starsk but there just isn't."

   I heard my own voice shake as I hugged my best friend, bringing him close to me. He looked at me then, seeing the look in my eyes, and hearing the pain in my voice...I felt trapped, because I could not help my friend avoid this.

   "Hey, Blondie, I know I gotta do it, it's ok…really, I'll be ok, and I didn't mean to upset you Hutch, I'm sorry."

   He reached up to touch my cheek with his hand.

   Damn, Gunther, I thought to myself...I hope you burn in Hell for what you have done to my partner. Here was my partner and best friend fighting back each day from the brink of death and he was concerned about me. Starsky was still putting my feelings before his even with all that he was going through. I don't think that I have ever loved my partner more than at this moment. This man was more precious to me than life itself......hell, he was life itself to me.

   After talking about it a little while longer Starsky changed the subject, he still had an uncanny ability to switch gears at a moments notice. Starsky was finished talking about it, so with Starsky propped up as comfortable as possible along with two pain pills and a cold root beer we settled down in front of the TV for a couple of hours of cartoons...nothing heavy for us tonight. For a few hours anyway we put the trial out of our minds and enjoyed each others company.

********

   Morning came all to soon and with it trouble. The media had apparently arrived at the house in the early hours of the morning. They were waiting for us like vultures stalking their prey. As soon as I closed the front door behind us I saw them converging on us, moving across the lawn with mics and cameras aimed at us. I instinctively stepped in front of Starsky and kept myself between the reporters and my partner.

   Some of them called out his name. I thought we would at least make it to the courthouse in peace.

   "No, noooo! Hutch, please make them leave me alone, I don't want to talk to them."

********

   My magnum appeared in my hand, funny I didn't remember drawing it from it's holster but I found myself pointing it at the crowd of reporters.

   Some ran back to their cars, others backed away quickly from the crazy man with the gun. I used the effects the gun had on them to my advantage.

   "Back off! All of you, just back off, NOW!"

   I waved the magnum in their general direction. I helped Starsky into the car and only put the gun away after I was in the car too.

   I looked over at Starsky and saw he was grinning at me.

   "What, what's so funny?"

   He said, "I'm not sure if those guys were more afraid of you or of that cannon of yours...did ya see the look on their faces? Way to go partner, glad you're on my side."

   It was so good to see Starsky smile. But it didn't last. He quickly became serious again.

   "Let's go and get this show on the road, I want to get this over with."

********

   Our arrival at the courthouse was uneventful, we slipped in through the side entrance of the courthouse building without being seen.

********

   "Court is in session"

   DA Harrison called as his first witness, Starsky. He had spoken with me and I had asked him if he could get Starsky in and out of here as fast as possible. I said a silent prayer that Starsky would get through this in one piece.

********

   "I call Detective Sergeant David Starsky to the stand."

   I helped Starsky out of his seat, squeezed his hand that reluctantly let go of mine. He was on his own. The bailiff of the court helped Starsky to the witness stand and Starsky was sworn in.

   "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. This is the detective that was gunned down in Metro's police garage, a direct result of a contract that had been put out on him and his partner, Detective Sergeant Kenneth Hutchinson."

   He pointed his finger at the defense table where James Gunther was sitting.

   "We will prove beyond any doubt that this man is responsible for the injuries inflicted on this witness. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, what I am about to show you is graphic, it is cruel, it is horrific in every sense of the word, but you must see it for yourselves...this is the evidence of the devastation that one human being has inflicted on another."

   Here it comes, Oh, damn...I saw the DA reach for the clear plastic evidence bag that held Starsky's bloody, bullet riddled leather jacket. He held it up for everyone in the courtroom to see. Walked with it in front of each one of the jurors. He then turned on the overhead slide display. The first picture showed the jacket still glistening, wet from Starsky's blood, probably still warm from his body...the bullet holes showed as jagged holes in the old worn leather...the blood and bullet holes were shown from the front and back of the jacket. The observers in the courtroom gasped at the sight.

   "Sergeant Starsky, is this the jacket you were wearing on the day that you were nearly fatally injured?"

   I saw my partner turning pale. He was looking for me. He found my eyes and it seemed to give him some strength to go on. At first when he tried to answer the DA's question, no words came out. He was finally able speak, his voice was but a whisper.

   "Ye…Yes…"

   "I'm sorry Sergeant Starsky, would you be able to speak a little louder so the jury can hear your answer?"

   "Yes…it is…it was my...mine…"

   Oh dear Lord…I'm here Starsk…know that I'm here buddy. This will soon all be over and I'll take you home. God give him strength.

   The next picture showed the bullet riddled Torino with blood smeared on the driver's door and all the way down to the left rear bumper of the car.

   I was getting frantic for Starsky, I needed to get to him. He seemed to be looking back and forth between the slide show and his jacket. There was no color left in his already pale face. Oh, God, I have to get to him fast. I have to get him out of here.

   The slide show concluded with a picture of the ground surrounding the Torino and all the paraphernalia that the paramedics had used in a frantic attempt to keep Starsky alive long enough to transport him to the hospital. There was blood all over the ground.

********

   "Thank you, Sergeant Starsky, you may step down now."

   Starsky didn't seem to hear him. He didn't move. The bailiff walked up to him. I was up out of my seat heading to the witness stand to get my partner. The bailiff touched Starsky's arm to help him off the stand. Starsky jumped away from him, looking wildly around the courtroom calling my name.

   "Hutch, Hutch?...Please… where are you?"

   He attempted to get up out of the witness stand. His eyes were searching for me and his legs just gave out on him. I was barely able to get to him to break his fall to the floor.

   "Starsky, Oh God. Buddy, talk to me?"

   I sat on the floor cradling him in my arms as I heard Captain Dobey's voice yell for someone to call an ambulance.

********

   I went in the ambulance with my partner. No one could keep me away from him now. I was so scared. I knew he wasn't up to this. Doesn't anyone have any mercy anymore! This man had been through hell already. Subjecting him to all of this was so damn unfair. He wasn't well and he was weak. He needed his pain medication and they told him he could not take it. Damn them! Getting more angry was not helping my friend. I knew I needed to calm down for him.

   "Starsk? Hey buddy, can you hear me?"

   I got no response. The medics let me know that his blood pressure was good and his heart rate was okay, just a bit high. He just looked so fragile. I prayed that he would not give up. He was never going back into that courtroom with Gunther. I'd make sure of that.

   The emergency room had become a very familiar place to us both. Heck, we were all on a first name basis by now. They usually didn't even make me wait outside anymore. I was allowed to stay with Starsky. They knew it was pretty much useless to try and keep me away anyway. Starsky was taken directly into trauma room #3 where Dr. Kellerman was waiting.

   "Hi Ken. What happened to David? Tell me what's going on son."

   "He just collapsed." I was having a hard time going on. I didn't want the doctor or the staff to see how vulnerable I was feeling. Only Starsky was allowed. Only he knew the 'real' me. I didn't want anyone else…only Starsky.

   "Try to relax Ken. David is strong, we know that don't we?"

   "Yeah. Please help him. They made him get up onto the stand in the courtroom and they showed him his bloody jacket from the shooting and other pictures. They were pretty graphic. Starsky never saw them before. I tried to protect him. He should never have had to see any of that."

   By now my tears were no longer contained. My heart hurt for my partner. Dr. Kellerman gave my shoulder a re-assuring grip and continued to examine Starsky. I sank to bottom of the litter and watched the staff work on my partner. I knew the routine by now. Guess I must have looked pretty upset and pale. Linda, one of the emergency room nurses took me over to a chair along the side of the room and sat me down. I think I might have fallen down if she hadn't.

   "David? David, come on…wake up for us. It's doctor Kellerman. You know you could just call if you missed me and these pretty nurses that much. You didn't have to pass out to get to us."

   The doctor's attempt at humor went unnoticed by his patient, but Starsky was beginning to come around. He became more coherent when the lab took blood and an ABG. The ABG's really hurt him. It was a painful procedure to begin with, but Starsky had been stuck so many times that it was difficult for the technicians to get even a small blood sample.

   "David?…hey kiddo…it's Linda. You remember? Your favorite nurse?" Linda gave Starsky her best smile and held his arm secure until the blood samples were taken. Linda stayed with Starsky while Dr. Kellerman talked with Hutch, comforting him as best as she could. Her heart ached for both detectives. She knew how much Hutch and his miracle had been through.

********

   "Is he gonna be okay Dr. Kellerman? Is this going to be a setback to his recovery?"

   "No, he's going to be all right Ken. He's weak and still in a lot of pain. He never should have had to go without his pain medicine. What the hell is wrong with 'them' anyway? Couldn't 'they' see that David was not well enough to be in that courtroom?"

   "I'm sorry Doc. I did everything I could to keep him out of there, but we had no choice. Starsky needed to testify. We couldn't take the chance of letting that bastard walk free! He wanted to do it Doc, and I want him to be able to relax, knowing the SOB is behind bars. He's still so afraid."

********

   Linda was very fond of both Starsky and Hutch. She had become Starsky's favorite nurse and a good friend. He often talked to her, needing to talk to someone about his concern for Hutch. After Starsky woke up, having been in a coma, and became more alert, he saw how tired Hutch was looking and saw the sadness and fear in his eyes. He knew it was because of him. He needed Hutch desperately, but was worried about him at the same time. Linda was always there to listen and calm some of his fears.

   "Linda? What happened? Where's Hutch? Why am I here again?"

   "Shh, It's okay David. You're all right. Hutch is outside talking with Dr. Kellerman."

   Linda wiped Starsky's face with a cool cloth. It felt good to him. She held his hand until it was replaced by the hand that Starsky really needed. Hutch.

********

   "Welcome back David."

   " Hi Doc…Just couldn't stay away…missed ya…" Starsky's attempt at humor was cut off by a severe spasm of pain. He attempted to curl into a ball, but the small litter and siderails prevented him from doing so. He held onto Hutch's hand tightly to ride it out. Linda held the emesis basin as he was once again retching. Hutch rubbed his back with his free hand.

   "David, I'm gonna give you a shot. You get the good stuff this time. The pain and nausea will go away soon and you'll probably sleep for a while. Guess you know that huh?"

   "I hope so Linda." Starsky closed his eyes and held on tighter to Hutch's hand as he was rolled further onto his side to receive the injection of pain medicine.

   "Starsk, you're gonna feel better soon babe. You won't have to go back into that courtroom. I promise."

   "Thanks Hutch…I don't think I could do it any…anymore. Please stay with me Hutch. Will they let me go home?" Starsky looked pleadingly at his partner.

   Hutch turned to Dr. Kellerman who shook his head 'yes'.

   "Yeah partner, we're going home." Hutch helped to get Starsky dressed and signed the release papers.

   The doctor knew that he would be in good hands with Hutch and Starsky would be much more comfortable and at ease in his own surroundings. Hutch had taken a major roll in caring for Starsky even when he was still in the hospital.

   The pain medicine began to work in about ten minutes and Starsky was released. Hutch assisted his drowsy partner to the car and secured him in with the seatbelt.

   Starsky slept for a few hours after we got home. I fell asleep myself, holding onto Starsky. I was so tired and it felt good to be home…home with my partner. I later made dinner and was able to get Starsky to eat a little something. I know that promising him he would not have to go into that courtroom again calmed some of his anxieties. We talked about what the day had brought about. Starsky was really shook up after seeing his jacket and the pictures. I was wrong in thinking I could protect him from these things. All I could do now was to be here for him, to pick up the pieces. It did us both good to discuss what happened on the day that Starsky was shot. I knew all about it…I saw it. It made me sick to see it again. I can't imagine what it did to my partner. He had questioned me about it before, but I was pretty vague, not wanting to upset him. Now that he had been subject to seeing it through pictures, I was hoping that together, we could get past this.

   I settled Starsky in bed and then settled myself next to him. Initially I slept on the cot next to Starsky's bed, but too many times I found myself holding onto him after he had a nightmare or too much pain to handle by himself. It seemed to comfort him, comfort us both, to be close. Starsky felt funny asking, but did ask if I could just stay with him at night and not on the cot. He was still so scared and it made us both feel better. He fell asleep in my arms…"Me and Thee"… We had each other…that was all that mattered now.

********

   They were lowering my coffin into the ground. Shovels of dirt were being thrown on top of me. I knew I would never see Hutch again, never talk with him, share a hug, laugh with him, or walk beside him ever again...partners no more...

   Oh, I'm so sorry Hutch, I didn't mean to leave you like this. There was so much more we still wanted to do.

   Captain Dobey and his wife Edith were here too. My Captain had tears rolling down his face and Edith was beside her husband crying quietly.

   Huggy was even here. He looked so sad, like he'd lost a good friend.

   And…Oh My God…my dearest Hutch…my "other" heart, openly sobbing, standing by himself. His face was a mask of grief so deep...total desolation...his shoulders were shaking from the sobs he could no longer control…didn't want to control anymore.

   He looked so alone, and he was alone now, I wasn't there for him anymore...I never would be again...Gunther had seen to that, he had killed me and that was killing Hutch.

   Hutch, please, know that I love you partner, best friend, and I didn't mean to leave you like this.

   More dirt was being shoveled on top of me.

   I heard people crying.

   ...Was that My Dad I just saw? Is he waiting for me to begin my journey? I love you Dad, but I don't want to go just yet, it's not time…I need more time…please…..

   Hutch still needs me and we were gonna do so many more things....had so many plans...

   Hutch! What are you doing?

   Is that his Magnum?

   OH, Dear God!!!!

   NO!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!

   Please don't, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

   HUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I heard a single shot and Hutch fell forward, blood beginning to spread across his face and around his throat...he was calling out my name.

   HUTCH!!!!!!!!!!

   "HUTCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

   Starsky was jolted awake, screaming Hutch's name. He had had another nightmare, but this one was so real. The nightmares he had of dying were bad enough, but he could not bear the thought of Hutch losing his life. Starsky wanted Hutch to live, even if he could not.

********

   "STARSK! Hey…C'mon buddy…wake up…! Aw Starsk, another nightmare huh? Pretty bad one again?" Hutch just held onto his trembling partner. He had been with him through all of the other nightmares, but this one seemed to upset Starsky even more. This one was different. "Starsky? Shh…it's gonna be okay…just a dream…a bad one. I've got you now. Try to relax… Want to talk about it?"

   "Hutch…."

   Starsky was shaking and crying fiercely, groping for me in the dark. I rocked him back and forth slowly.

   "Just hold me Hutch…just hold me…please don't let go."

   "I'm here Starsk…I'm not letting go…I'll never let you go buddy."

********

   I woke up to the smell of fresh coffee brewing and turned to squint at the alarm clock on the bedside Table. It read 7 am.

   Coffee? What? I tried to shake the cobwebs from my brain, it had been a lousy night I'd spent it holding Starsky close to me, that seemed to be the only way that he could sleep at all after that terrible nightmare that he had had. I knew we would need to talk that one out, but would wait till Starsky was ready.

   I instinctively looked over to see if Starsky was still asleep. Most mornings he was.

   "Starsk… Starsky?"

   He wasn't in his bed. What the hell, "Hey Starsk?"

   I quickly grabbed my robe, tying it around my middle as I got up to find my partner.

   "Hey buddy, you ok? Where are you?"

   No answer.

   "It's kind of early for you to be up. How are you feeling?"

   I looked in the bathroom, no Starsky. Walked out to the living room and the couch was empty too. I glanced at the kitchen counter and saw the coffee pot brewing. I felt panic creeping up on me.

   "Come on partner, where are you?" Please be all right

   "Out here Hutch."

   I found Starsky sitting slumped dejectedly on the swing in the green house, an empty watering can in his hands. The air was chilly this time in the morning.

   "You ok?"

   He had his robe wrapped around him. I quickly looked him over, he looked so tired and he looked so very sad. I repeated myself.

   "Hey, are you ok? You know it's kind of chilly out here, why don't we go back inside? The last thing that you need is to catch a cold, Dr. Kellerman would kill me."

   He started to get up out of the swing but I could see it was difficult for him so I reached down and he let me help him to get up, handing me the empty watering can.

   "Thought I'd water some of the plants for you, but the can's too heavy with the water in it. Can't even water the plants anymore."

   Something was bothering my partner and I knew we would have to talk about it soon.

   "I did manage to make coffee for us. I wanted to do something for you for a change, I know it's not much but I couldn't think of anything else that I could still do."

   "Aw babe, that's nice but you didn't have to do that."

   "Yes I did. Hutch, you have put your life on hold for me...how many months has it been now? I gotta try to do something. I'm just trying to give a little back. At least I can make coffee for you. God knows I can't do anything else without your help… can't take a bath by myself, can't even tie my own shoes. Sometimes I feel so damn useless and I wonder if it would have been better if I'd just…..maybe you'd have been better off if........"

   "Starsky! Damn it Starsk! Stop it! Stop it now!"

   He could feel and hear the frustration, anger and hurt in my voice and he looked up at me.

   "Don't you talk like that buddy. Don't ever say anything like that to me again. Do you think that for one minute my life would be better without you? Well partner let me tell you… and you listen, listen good. When you got shot and the doctors told me they didn't think you would survive even the night, I felt like I was shutting down, dying right along side of you. I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. I still can't. There is not one minute in the day that goes by that I don't thank God above for letting you live. If you had died, I don't know what I would have done, I just know that the best part of me would have died right there beside you."

   "When you woke up from your coma all I could think of was just let him live, let him be ok. Even if you could never be a cop again, it didn't matter. We'd find something else to do. It just mattered that you were alive. Starsk, please don't ever think that life could possibly be better for me if you hadn't made it. It would have destroyed me."

   By now there were tears beginning to cloud my vision.

   "I love you partner, do you hear me, and I need my best friend right here with me."

   Starsky knew he had upset me with all this. He laid his hand on my arm.

   "Hutch, I didn't mean to upset you, I'm glad I made it, and it's because you care so much about me that I feel that way. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have tried so hard, but sometimes I wonder if it's gonna get any better? It's the pain talking and a part of me knows that, but I just don't know how to stop it Hutch."

   Starsky's hand squeezed my arm. He looked so sad and defeated. I would not let him give up. I saw him shaking. We weren't going anywhere until my partner told me what was bothering him.

********

   "Starsk? What's wrong? Please talk to me. You still shook up about that nightmare you had last night?"

   Starsky looked away from me, not wanting me to see the tears welling in his eyes.

   "I don't want to talk about it Hutch. I can't."

   "C'mon Starsk." I gently turned him toward me and lifted his chin, wanting him to look at me.

   "Please Hutch, don't make me…It was horrible…They're all bad, but this one was the worst."

   Starsky tried to pull away from me again, but I would not let him. I had to appear in court today and could not leave him like this. Talking always helped both of us.

   "Starsky, I want you to tell me about the dream. It was only a dream buddy, but it has you really bothered. Let's get it out in the open. It will help you and it will help me. I don't want to see you hurting like this Starsk."

   Starsky relaxed a bit in my hold and began to talk.

   "Hutch…"

   I could see it was hard for him to start. So I probed deeper.

   "Was it about Gunther, Starsk? About the jacket or the pictures?"

   "No…It was about me at first…I was dead… and the dirt was being shoveled onto my coffin. I could see it coming. I felt like I was suffocating. I didn't feel dead. I didn't want to be dead." Starsky was crying more heavily.

   "Get it out buddy. I'm right here."

   "But Hutch…in the dream…in the fucking nightmare…you…you…Oh God!"

   "Starsk…it's okay. It was only a dream. I know they seem real, but they're not. Tell me about it, then we can deal with it."

   "Hutch…."

   "Aw Starsk…try to relax…I hate to see you this upset." I wiped at his tears.

   "Hutch, in the dream I was dead and could see everyone at my funeral. Then I saw you…God you looked so sad and alone."

   "I would be sad and alone without you buddy."

   "No Hutch…that's not the worst part. You tried to kill yourself in the dream. You shot yourself with your Magnum…because of me. Promise me Hutch that you would never do anything stupid like that. Even if I don't make it, I need you to go on."

   Starsky was trembling and I could see that crying so hard was hurting him physically. He reached for his stomach and I knew he was going to be sick. He wasn't going to make it to the bathroom so I reached for the watering can. I held him tight as he heaved. God, I can't imagine how awful that nightmare must have been for him. I know if it were me having that dream and Starsky would have tried anything stupid…I would be feeling the same way.

   "Shh….It's okay Starsk. It's gonna be okay. Just a dream…only a dream babe. I'm still here and you're still here. We're here together and you're gonna make it. Now I don't want to hear anymore talk like that okay? The pain brings you down…it's not always going to be like this…I promise you Starsk. Trust me okay?"

   Starsky did feel better after talking about the nightmare. I know it was so hard for him to do…God please let him have some peace. Tell me what I can do for him. I'll do anything.

   "Hey Blondie, that fresh coffee's gonna be mud if we don't drink it soon. I'd bring you a cup but I honestly don't think I could get up off this swing right now. Guess that's what I got you for?" He gave me one of his lop-sided grins. He needed to change the subject and I was glad he got it out.

   I rubbed my partner's shoulder and ruffled his rumpled curls. "You're crazy you know that?"

   "Oh yeah, well all those years of hanging around you wore off I guess."

   He pretended to duck out of my way. Normally this would have been when I threw a pillow at him. My smartass, dirtball partner knew he had my heart. I smiled and helped my friend inside and got him settled on the couch, wrapping him in a blanket to get him warm.

   I poured two cups of coffee, put in 2 teaspoons of sugar in his and brought the two cups over to the couch. I handed him his. He just looked at me.

   "Hutch....I want some more sugar."

   "Nope, you are not gonna drink coffee with your sugar."

   I sat down in the chair next to the couch.

********

   Oh, well no time like the present.

   "You know I have to testify today? Hug is going to come over and stay with you until I get out of court."

   Starsky looked over at me.

   "Oh shit, I forgot you have to testify today, shit."

   I knew he didn't want me to go.

   "Hutch I don't need a babysitter, I can just lay around on the couch until you get back home. Maybe even make myself a decent cup of coffee."

   I knew Starsky was afraid of what I might do if Gunther's lawyers pushed me.

   "I should be there with you Hutch. Maybe I can…"

   "No, absolutely not buddy, I'm not gonna risk anything happening to you, we already made one unwanted trip to the ER, let's not push our luck. Besides, your doctor would kill me if he found out I let you go back into that courtroom after what happened. No way."

   He opened his mouth to say something.

   "Starsky, this is not up for discussion, you are not going anywhere. Huggy will be here in about an hour and I should be back by nightfall. Starsky?"

   He looked at me, pissed off, not at me but at his situation. He knew that I was right. He also knew that I wasn't going to change my mind.

   "Ok, but I don't have to like it do I?"

   I smiled at him, "No you don't."

   "But, Hutch promise me you won't do something crazy. Nothing foolish. If anything ever happened to you…it would kill me."

   "Starsky, I promise I'll be on my best behavior, nothing is gonna happen to me. I'll just answer their questions and then come on home. If you feel up to it maybe we can play a game of Monopoly after dinner?" He didn't say anything. "Hey, I'll be back before you know it. Remember, I am the level headed, laid back half of this partnership."

   "Yea, right, I know you Blondie. I saw what you did to that reporter that made me fall at the courthouse. Cap'n tried to block my view but I saw, you were barely in control."

   I looked at Starsky.

   "I didn't know you saw that, I didn't mean for you too."

   Damn, Starsky hadn't missed a thing.

********

   I made some breakfast and blackmailed Starsky into eating it. I told him if he ate what was on his plate I'd promise not to do anything to get myself in trouble in court.

********

   Huggy was here and I had to leave for the courthouse. I spoke to Starsky one more time, reassuring him that everything would be just fine. I'm not sure that he believed me but he nodded and sighed an 'ok'. He would not look up at me.

   I showed Huggy where all of Starsky's medications were, showed him the notepad on the kitchen counter with my pager number and Dr. Kellerman's number on it, with explicit instructions that if my partner needed anything, anything at all, to page me. I suggested to Huggy that he might want to try to get Starsky to lie down for a nap, that way he would sleep most of the time I was in court and wouldn't have too much time to worry about me. Huggy pushed me through the front door.

   "Go my man, he'll be just fine. You just go do what you have to do. Nail that bastard."

   "Thanks Hug, I owe you a big one."

********

   Starsky hated not knowing what was going on in court, he hated Hutch being subjected to Gunther's lawyers and all their accusations. He knew Hutch was like a golden cobra just waiting to strike out.

********

   It was almost 4pm and Hutch wasn't home yet.

   Huggy knew that Starsky was hoping Hutch could step out of the courtroom for a minute and call.

   I watched Starsky slowly and painfully get up off the couch. I tried to make him lie down and rest but he refused. He was too keyed up. I made a move to help him get up but he made it up on his own, not without a visible amount of pain. He went to the bathroom.

   Come on Hutch, I really don't know what to do with this partner of yours, he needs you man, no one else will do. Huggy shook his head in frustration, then heard choking sounds coming from the bathroom.

   "Starsky, my man, what's wrong? What can I do to help you."

   I stood by helplessly and watched as Starsky's stomach turned inside out. He retched violently and groaned after each spasm.

   "Oh, God Hug, it hurts like hell, I don't know how much more of this I can stand. I need Hutch. Why isn't he home yet? I hope nothing went wrong."

   I stood there with him, he didn't seem to want me to help him, I knew from the years of friendship with these two that the only comfort each of them ever got was from the other, and I wasn't Hutch.

   Come on Hutchinson, get your ass home.

   Starsky sat down on the side of the bathtub and wiped his face with the damp washcloth that I handed him.

   "Stay put man."

   I hurried back into the living room and paged Hutch. I don't think it was more then a minute later the phone rang.

   "Huggy, what's wrong, is he ok?"

   "Hutch he's been sick and he won't let me help him. He won't take any pills because he wants to be awake when you get home."

   I heard Hutch moan at the other end of the phone line.

   "Ok, look Hug, tell him I'm on my way home right now, they're through with me anyway. I was just walking out of the courtroom when I got your page. Make sure that he knows that I'm ok and that everything went fine. Hug, don't let anything happen to him."

   I went back into the bathroom to stay with Starsky until Hutch got home.

********

   Starsky had worked himself up into a near panic at not hearing from Hutch all day. It was not like Hutch not to call and let him know what was going on. This must mean something was wrong. Starsky was hurting, the pain was getting unbearable and affecting his ability to think clearly. He couldn't leave the bathroom as he continued to get sick. Huggy was at a loss of what to do, he only prayed Hutch would get home soon. He didn't know how much more Starsky could take. He decided that if Hutch did not arrive soon, he was calling Dr. Kellerman.

   Hutch arrived home within minutes only to find a very anxious Huggy Bear.

   "Is he okay Hug?"

   "No! He is not okay! He's been in the bathroom since I called you and he won't come out. He can't! He's sick Hutch. He's in a lot of pain and he's been throwing up!"

   Hutch ran to the bathroom and shoved the door open. Starsky was leaning over the bowl, heaving and crying. Hutch immediately fell to his knees and took his partner in his arms.

   "Hutch?"

   "I'm here buddy. What's going on?"

   "Hutch…please don't be mad at me, but I got scared. I didn't know what was going on and you didn't call. I thought maybe something happened to you."

   "Aw Starsk, I'm okay buddy, nothing happened, and I'm not mad at you. I'll tell you all about it later. Huggy said you wouldn't take your pain medicine. Why? You know how bad it gets if you don't. Starsk, it upsets me to see you like this."

   "I couldn't Hutch, I …."

   Starsky was once again heaving violently into the toilet bowl and grabbing onto his stomach.

   "Oh God!…help me Hutch…I feel so sick. I'm such a mess and it scares me how much I depend on you. I can't keep doing this to you. You need a life Hutch."

   "Starsky! You know that's non-sense. I thought we talked this out already, but it looks like we need to talk more about this later. C'mon buddy, calm down. I'm right here and you're not gonna ever be alone Starsk. You're stuck with me like it or not."

   Hutch wet a cool cloth with his free hand and began to wipe at Starsky's face and neck. He called for Huggy to get Starsky's pain medication. Dr. Kellerman had given Starsky a prescription for Morphine injections incase Starsky was too sick to swallow pills. This was one of those times. Hutch took the syringe, cleaned an area on Starsky's arm and injected his partner with the medicine. Hutch knew he had to remain strong for his ailing partner, but he was having a hard time of it. He had not seen Starsky this upset in a long long time. He had seen him in excruciating pain many times…too many times, but he had not seen his partner this sick and emotionally disturbed since he was in the hospital. He was afraid for his friend, knowing he had to calm him down.

   "Think you can make it back to bed now?"

   "I'll try Hutch."

   I had to nearly carry my partner back to the bedroom. I helped him get changed and into bed. He was trembling, holding onto his stomach with one hand and onto me with the other. I had to get his mind off of the trial, the pain and the nausea. I fluffed his pillows and got him settled in bed, sitting on the bed beside him doing whatever I could to calm him. I held him close and talked about the academy, about the day we met. Of course I changed the story a bit, making myself sound like superman. I got a small chuckle out of him and kept talking until I saw his eyes going closed. He was exhausted. I pulled the covers up around his neck and quietly went to leave the room.

   "Hutch?" His voice was but a tired whisper.

   "It's ok Starsk, just close your eyes. Everything's gonna be alright."

   "Ok, you're gonna be right here aren't you?"

   "Of course buddy. I'm just gonna get myself a cup of coffee. I'll be right in the next room for just a bit, then I'll be back. You need anything Starsk?"

   "No, just need you to be here. You're not going anywhere are you?"

   "Hey, I'm not going anywhere. The only place I need to be now is here. You try to rest, I'll be right back."

   "Kay. I'll be right here too."

********

   Hutch waited until his partner dozed off and seemed to be resting peacefully before going into the living room to thank Huggy for staying while he was in court. He made it as far as the couch and slumped into the cushions, resting his head in his hands he began to cry.

   "Hey Hutch? You okay?"

   "Hug…" Hutch tried to keep his sobs quiet. He didn't want to wake his partner or upset him anymore than he already was.

   "C'mon Hutch. That curly headed associate of yours is going to be just fine. He just needed you, that's all, and you're here now. He's gonna be okay."

   Hutch looked up at his lanky friend and nodded.

   "Hug, I just don't know what to do. I hate seeing him suffer like this. It tears me apart, but I need to be strong, I want to be strong for him. He just doesn't deserve this! Any of this! Why couldn't it have been me Hug? Huh? Why does he have to hurt like this? I don't know if he's ever gonna stop being afraid. God! He had so much life in him. I miss his stupid practical jokes. I miss his silly smart ass spirit! God Hug, I want to see him smile again. I want the damn pain to go away. I took him to the park the other day and he couldn't even feed the ducks! It hurt too damn much. I could see it in his eyes Hug…I know he's afraid of never being able to function normally again….and so am I. I know he misses being able to do even the little things he used to do. We took so much for granted. Hug, I love him. I don't care if I have to take care of him for the rest of my life. I just need him so damn much. I wish I could trade places with him…I…."

   Hutch put his head back into his hands and continued to cry.

   "Hutch, Starsk is going to be all right. He needs time…and so do you. Maybe he won't be able to do all of the things he used to be able to do. Things might be different…but the one thing that is never gonna change is your friendship, your love for each other. I don't say too much, you know that, but I have to tell you bro, I ain't never seen two people care more for each other than you and Starsk do. If love can heal all wounds…then Starsky is going to be just fine. Just take it one day at a time. You both got some healing to do."

   Hutch looked up at his dark friend and smiled…a sad smile, but a smile just the same.

   "You know what Hug? You're a pretty terrific guy. Starsky and I are really fortunate to have you as our friend. Thanks for listening to me. I'm sorry I kind of lost it. I just hurt when he hurts."

   "No need for thanks my man, you and stubborn in there just get some rest and get better ok? That is all the thanks I need."

   Huggy gathered his jacket, patted Hutch on the shoulder and headed for the door, leaving a more relaxed blond behind.

********

   It was a Wednesday, one week later when the verdict came in. Gunther has been found guilty on all counts. It was finally over.

********

   Starsky and I had decided against going to the courthouse the day the verdict was to be read. We knew there would be a mob of reporters wanting to talk to us. Starsky still did not want to have anything to do with the media. Captain Dobey was there and he had promised us that he would call the minute the verdict was in.

   The past few weeks had done wonders for my partner, both physically and emotionally, just knowing he did not have to go back in the courtroom and look at Gunther. But today he was really keyed up, so was I. The verdict was expected to come down today.

   Starsky was still very weak and was many weeks away from starting any kind of physical therapy. He still required his daily doses of pain medications frequently, but at least now we were looking towards the future....something we hadn't been able to do for months.

   My partner had fallen asleep on the couch and I hoped a nap would relieve some of his tensions. While he slept I spent that time cooking dinner. It had to be special. This would be our celebration dinner. The "Paul Muni Special" was in the oven and the only thing for me to do was to wait for Captain Dobey to call. Hell, I was as nervous as Starsky.

   I looked over at my still very pale partner asleep on the couch...we both needed the finality of having Gunther put away for good, then we would then be able to focus primarily on Starsky's recovery and hopefully his eventual return to active duty. I wanted my partner back, God how I needed my partner back.

   I jumped when the phone rang, grabbed it before the second ring. The phone woke Starsky up and he slowly made his way to a sitting position on the couch. His eyes were locked with mine.

   "Thank you Captain, I'll tell him. Thanks for calling."

   I looked over at my best friend, suddenly I felt so tired.

   "It's all over buddy, we got him. We did it partner."

   Starsky reached out to me and tears of thankfulness and relief began to run down his face. He looked at me with pleading eyes...

   "Hutch would you just hold me for a while."

   I moved over to sit next to my best friend and hugged him close to me and I just let him cry softly into the front of my shirt. It was finally over. We just stayed that way for a while, each absorbing comfort from the other.

   Starsky lifted his head up and looked in the direction of the kitchen. "Something sure smells good, watcha cooking, Blondie?"

   I let go of Starsky to check on our dinner. He was watching me from the couch. I took the dinner out of the oven and put it on the kitchen table. By the time I had gotten out the forks and knives and glasses , Starsky had slowly and carefully made his way to the table and sat down in his chair.

   I lifted the lid off of the pot. "Eat your vegetables."

   Starsky's whole face lit up at the site of "The Paul Muni Special." We ate in silence, a quiet but happy one.

   It was turning out to be a beautiful day. Starsky even asked for seconds, now that was more like my partner.

   "Hutch that was just great, I feel pretty good right now.....so do you think we can go feed the ducks?"

   I smiled at my partner, "Sure we can."

   The dinner dishes were put in the sink to soak and we left for the park. I parked as close to the duck pond as possible and came around to the passenger door of the car intending to open it for Starsky so he could get a good view of the duck pond.

   "Hutch I think I'd like to walk down to the pond, I know I ain't up to no marathon but I think I can do it. 'I' want to feed the ducks. At least I want to try too."

   He did let me help him up out of the car and with my help we made it to the park bench closest to the waters edge by the pond.

   The ducks came running up to us.

   Starsky tugged at my jacket sleeve......

   "The bread Hutch, you have to tear it up into little pieces, remember, like I showed ya? Gotta have enough for all of them."

   I offered some of the slices to Starsky. I knew he couldn't toss the bread to the birds but he didn't have to. Before we knew it we had dozens of the little birds, that Starsky loved so much, at our feet.

   I looked over at my partner. I knew we still had a long way to go, but Starsky and I had gotten our "Sweet Revenge".....

   Starsky and I had made it and like always it was just "Me and Thee"

THE END